


so much more than I ever was

by pettigrace



Series: Prompt Fills [4]
Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Celebrities, Coming Out, Established Relationship, Future Fic, M/M, Pansexual Character, Pansexual Jesse St James, Pride
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2019-06-21 04:39:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15549810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pettigrace/pseuds/pettigrace
Summary: When Blaine drags Kurt to one of Jesse's gigs, they're facing a surprise neither of them could have expected.





	so much more than I ever was

**Author's Note:**

  * For [zoeyva](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zoeyva/gifts).



> A comission for Pia who wanted me to include this performance we saw at our pride (though I have nowhere near done it justice), a ferris wheel and an eyeroll. I hope I succeeded at least slightly! Naturally, I made it St Smythe and decided to show off my interview skills, lol.
> 
> The title is from Panic! At The Disco's "Say Amen" because this is largely inspired by Brendon Urie's recent stunts, only that I've been headcanoning Jesse as pan since like 2012.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Kurt Hummel has never been conventional. It’s in the name, really - you think of him and you’re flooded with impressions. So maybe that trait, that defying of stereotypes, is the reason that a _tiny_ part of him wishes that he _weren’t_ here with his boyfriend.

Don’t get him wrong. He freaking loves New York City, standing here amidst the crowd near Broadway and celebrating what Stonewall has brought them.

And he _loves_ it. Capital-L-loves it. Always has and he probably won’t ever stop that. And haying Blaine next to him - like always - and sharing a gay flag as if it were a blanket? A dream.

But right now, in this very moment and in the ones to come, he wishes he could trade places with Sam. But _no_ , the guy had insisted that couples stay together so _he_ is at the same stage as Mercedes right now. And Rachel. And Santana.

And okay, Kurt has heard them all - on their own and together - often enough, but it’s not even about _them_ and their joint show. It’s more about not being _here_.

“They’re good.”, Blaine decides about the small choir that’s on _their stage_ right now. To everyone else he might sound sincere but Kurt knows his boyfriend. He hears the slight impatience in his voice, implying that they’re _okay_ and have already taken up enough time up on stage.

Kurt shifts a little, kicking one of his boots down to the ground. “Yeah,” he simply agrees. He doesn’t even know if Blaine can’t tell he doesn’t _really_ wanna be here, but that’s alright. He’s known right from the start that this guy here? Totally oblivious. That’s the story of their love, after all.

Blaine sighs softly and turns his wrist to look at the watch. “Only one more song, I’d say.”

“Don’t forget the encore.”, Kurt huffs back. He turns his head a little to look at the other people. Most of them are doing nothing but shifting a little to the music. That may be supposed to be dancing, he guesses. Seems like _nobody_ really knows that song. Hell, he can’t even tell what genre that’s meant to be.

From the corner of his eye he can see the soft grimace Blaine makes and lets out a small chuckle. He wraps his arm around his body and pulls him closer to his side, pressing a kiss against his temple.

Like always, Blaine melts into his embrace. Kurt can tell how impatient he’s getting - not to mention that he must be feeling as tired as him from standing the whole day - and even though _he’s_ not really looking forward to the next act, he hopes Jesse comes up on stage pretty soon.

Because of course his boyfriend would drag him to one of Jesse St James’s concerts. Normally, Kurt would dare to say that watching your best friend’s ex perform weeks after they broke up wouldn’t count as the ultimate betrayal anymore but there's still the fact that Rachel has a show going on _at the same time_ . Granted, their arrangements for today had been made _before_ Santana decided Rachel join her and Mercedes on stage but _still_.

He can tell that most of the teenage girls around them are here only here for Jesse as well because them and Blaine? Acting pretty much the same right now. All of them keep shifting expectantly as they wait for the choir to finally stop whatever this is.

“I mean, I love small acts.”, Blaine reasons. “I’d be a hypocrite if I-- but _well_ …”

 _God,_  that Rachel has introduced Blaine and Jesse back when they revived their relationship (which Kurt had tried to talk her out of but why should anybody listen to _him_ ) has low-key ruined his life. It’s a friendship he truly hasn’t seen coming, but it’s _something_. They meet up at least once a month, either going out somewhere or just having dinner together and, truth be told, he’s rarely seen Jesse be as supporting to anyone as he is to Blaine. Honestly, Kurt doesn’t understand it.

And then - _and then_ \- at some point Blaine’s introduced Jesse to _Sebastian_ , who had somehow winded up in New York as well, and now the _three_ of them hang out sometimes. Honestly, it kind of drives Kurt crazy to think that his fiance is friends with _two_ people he hated throughout High School, but he’s doing his best to be an adult about it. Which means: he ignores it as much as possible.

“Oh, _thank God_ ,” Blaine breathes when the choir hurdles off the stage and the presenter comes back again. “They don’t get an encore.”

Playfully, Kurt _tsk_ s at him. “Now, that’s not nice.”

“Oh, let me be.”, Blaine shoots back, sending him an exaggeratedly sour look. Then he breaks into a grin again as the presenter announces Jesse’s name. “Do you think we should get closer to the stage?”

Almost immediately, Kurt shakes his head. He can think of better things to do than collect Jesse’s sweat. No, he thinks that he can pull this off even without _seeing_ that Blaine came here to support him. They could still text about the gig afterwards.

The presenter doesn’t do a whole speech about Jesse, thankfully, but quickly disappears behind the curtain again. Kurt can practically feel the audience tense up as they wait for the next show and he can only barely suppress his need to groan.

Jesse’s already singing before he even enters the stage. The crowd already erupts when he sings, “ _Tonight_ ,” and it gets only louder at the, “ _I’m gonna have myself a real good time--_ ”

“Oh,” Kurt hisses upon the realisation. “I _hate_ when he does Queen.”

“He’s so good at it.”, Blaine adds. Kurt’s pretty sure he wouldn’t have done that if it weren’t for the _slight_ awe in his voice. Okay, _yes_ , he’s known since his Junior year that Jesse _rocks_ Freddie Mercury like no one else.

And it doesn’t help either that he can’t even pretend that it’s _only_ his singing. No, he’d be a liar if he claimed that Jesse doesn’t look good, he has to admit when he finally comes on stage. In fact, the tight white dress shirt that he’s wearing looks _incredible_. Clinging in the right places as he’s already covered in sweat, he’s showing his muscles off just in a way that doesn’t leave room for much speculation.

If Kurt had thought the crowd’s been loud before, then it’s nothing compared to _now_ . People are singing along, dancing and jumping, just as Jesse does in his spontaneous dance session - which means he’s pointing and doing motions fitting to the lyrics. It should look ridiculous, but _naturally_ he can pull it off.

When Blaine starts dancing a little as well, nudging his elbow against Kurt’s arm lightly, he doesn’t even try to stand still. Generally, that song is the bomb and Jesse does give a fun delivery. So there he is, dancing his ass off to Jesse St James performing. If you’d told him that ten years ago, he’d have laughed in your face.

They’re all breathless when the song is over, Jesse more than anyone else. He’s grinning as he bends down to reach for his water bottle, straining his shirt and making it look even tighter. Kurt wonders if he does that on purpose. Who even wears a dress shirt in this weather? Even _he’s_ retreated to wearing a tank top so that he won’t get a heatstroke.

“ _Ah_ ,” Jesse makes as he closes the bottle again. “How are you doing, New York?” In response, pretty much everyone - _Blaine involved_ \- cheers loudly, so he continues, “Good to be here - _really_. Thanks to you all for being here!”

He takes the next outburst of cheers to take another sip from his water, gulping as if he were about to die of thirst.

“You know how theatre guys are always said to be gay?”, he starts again when he sets down the bottle. There’s an uproar in the crowd, this time an unhappy one, and he nods. “I _know_. You know what these guys in my college always said?”

The break he makes is purely artificial, Kurt knows. He’s seen first-hand how often Jesse delivers a normal story like a comedian introducing his punchline. He doubts that this story even is true.

But when one member of the audience shouts something as an answer, the screen on stage shows how Jesse tilts his head a little. Almost as if he really paid attention.

“Exactly - _girls dig a guy who can dance._ ”, he mimics. Then he clicks his tongue and groans, rolling his eyes exaggeratedly. That only makes some girls squeal, for some reason. “Because, you know - can’t have an interest without aiming at love or sex.”

There’s some cheers from one corner of the crowd and Kurt can’t help but raise his brows. Truth be told, he hadn’t thought Jesse would have any fans who are on the A-spectrum, but apparently he’s been wrong.

“But you know,” Jesse continues, pulling his mic closer, “the majority of Broadway actors is _straight_. Lots of stories are hetero romances. How does that stereotype even exist? If anything, people should salute those queer people who are _such_ good actors--,” he grins at the laughter he receives. “You get my drift. But, hell, you don’t even _need_ to know how to dance. Sometimes all it takes is a little… swaying.”

It doesn’t take too long for the audience to understand what he’s getting at and when the intro to Michael Bublé’s _Sway_ starts playing, even the last faces light up. Seemingly everywhere, people keep whooping as Jesse leisurely moves to the music.

“Am I allowed to point out that that’s hot?”, Blaine wants to know. There’s a hint of a smirk in his voice, but Kurt can’t even turn around to look at him. There’s something… captivating about how Jesse moves, that’s all.

He’s known since forever that the guy can move along to his singing and that he’s pretty much _born_ for the stage. As far as he knows, Jesse doesn’t even have any other interests at all. And _yes_ , he’s learnt to do it in a, say, attractive way.

Normally, Kurt would start dancing a little as well. Maybe even pull Blaine close to sway _together_ with him. Right now, though, it’s like they both can’t drag their eyes away from Jesse.

He even starts to do some mamba steps in between the stanzas, cheered on by whistling coming from the audience. Even _that_ is something he manages, Kurt admits to himself grudgingly. And not only _manages_ \- now, he’s not an expert but it looks good, the way his hips wiggle to the music like the joints are smoothed with butter.

“I hate him,” Kurt offers, voice riding high.

Blaine just laughs. “I’m gonna dream of this tonight.”

In return, Kurt just makes _some_ kind of sound that he can’t even interpret himself. It’s something between a squeal and a snort - and _honestly_ , he couldn’t even blame Blaine if he _did_. Only that for him it might be more traumatic night than for Blaine.

Jesse drags out the last few notes of the song, showcasing his voice as he holds the last one for quite a while without seeming to care. His arm goes up like on autopilot as he presents himself while finishing. Again, he’s grinning when the music fades out, panting breathlessly while the crowd cheers.

“Thank you,” he says happily, reaching down for his bottle again. “That was fun, wasn’t it?” He drinks as the audience replies, shouting and cheering again, and this time even Kurt claps along, unable to stop himself when Blaine starts.

When Jesse sets down the bottle again, he’s frowning at the crowd. “You know what I just realized? I’m incredibly underdressed…”, he says, gesturing towards himself. “We should change that, shouldn’t we?”

In the next second he’s already kneeling down at the edge of the stage, gesturing for someone to come closer. Kurt can’t make out whom he’s even pointing to and he doesn’t even pretend to know what Jesse’s even _trying_ to do. He almost wishes the cameras weren’t in fixed positions, just so that they could actually see what’s happening. He can barely even see him with half the crowd blocking the way.

“What’s he doing?”, Kurt mutters, leaning into Blaine again.

In return, Blaine just shrugs and frowns at the way Jesse basically lies down on the stage - he’s almost out of shot for the cameras, barely visible on the screen. His mic is facing the other way, almost purposefully so as he chats with someone in the crowd. There’s some more curious chatter going on around them, getting louder and louder until Jesse finally gets up again.

With a flag in his hand, Kurt sees. He draws his brows together, confused as to what’s happening. “ _What is he doing_?”, he repeats.

“I don’t know.”, Blaine answers in a hushed voice. “But, like, even allies carry rainbow flags, right?”

“That’s not a rainbow, though.”, Kurt points out. If anything, it’s _half_ of a rainbow, only more vibrant.

When Jesse ties it around his neck, showing off the colours better - pink, yellow and blue - Blaine gasps lightly. “Oh, I know that one! Jeff had that in his dorm - pansexuality.”

Blaine’s always been the one more into the community, so Kurt is not surprised he’d recognize it. What, however, _does_ surprise him is that Jesse chose that one. Surely, it must just be about the bright colours. He’s always liked to stand out.

Then, though, as Jesse corrects the cape he’s made himself, he decides, “That’s the right one, yeah.” It’s said with such finality that the crowd starts cheering at him again.

Kurt can’t help but be even more surprised. His mouth falls open as he turns to face Blaine and he’s met with wide eyes in return. “Did he just--”

“I--”, Blaine stutters. “I don’t know?”

Inside of Kurt, so many alarms are going off. It would be easy to assume that Jesse had just taken a random flag, but the way he had sought out that specific member of the crowd and how he’d insisted that it’d be _this one_ … It seems like a _statement_.

“Holy _shit_ ,” he hisses at that realization. If he’s not mistaken, that might have been the most casual coming-out he’s ever witnessed. _Coming from Jesse St James_.

Blaine’s still speechless, staring up at the stage with utter confusion and surprise written into his features. It’s like he’s not even able to move any more.

“Okay, now let’s speed things up with a bit of royalty again, shall we?”, Jesse continues as if nothing special had just happened, and Kurt’s still so overwhelmed he can’t even groan at the prospect of listening to him performing Queen yet again.

As it turns out, there’s no reason for that anyways, because the guitar solo that starts off the next song does not belong to any song by Queen that he knows. No, it definitely sounds more punk than anything. Even Jesse’s dance moves look more random than he’s ever seen him do before.

“I bet Sebastian showed that to him,” Blaine shouts over the music, leaning over to him again.

Yeah, that sounds like something Sebastian would listen to, actually. And if there’d been any doubt left, then the first few lyrics of the song - which Jesse manages gracefully, even though it should be so out of his range - negate that.

“ _This is where I'll be, so heavenly - So come and dance with me, Michael_ ,” Jesse sings, so unlike himself and still (and Kurt hates that he can’t help but think that) magnificent. He shimmies his hips a little as he continues, “ _So sexy, I'm sexy--_ ” and the girls next to Kurt let out loud screams again.

He’s glad when Blaine proves himself to be a great distraction again. “ _Holy shit!_ ,” he exclaims, grabbing Kurt’s wrist more tightly than has probably been necessary. “You know what I-- You know what those magazines say?”

Kurt just blinks at him instead of replying, not even knowing which magazines he’s referring to.

On stage, Jesse continues, “ _Michael, you're the only one I'd ever want, Only one I'd ever want, only one I'd ever want_ ” and weirdly enough he manages to sound seductive even with the everything-but-rhythm of the song. It’s crazy.

“That Jesse and Sebastian are _dating_ ,” Blaine tells him. He’s dropped his voice a little, so for a moment Kurt just hopes he understood him wrong.

 _Now_ he remembers the pictures that magazines have obsessed over and how Blaine had kept laughing at them - after all, it had just been Jesse and Sebastian walking through the streets, as friends and nothing more. And even the picture of the two of them practically embracing on a ferris wheel has been explainable; with Sebastian being tall and lanky and all. How should they have fit in there without him placing his arm behind Jesse?

Though, suddenly, Kurt isn’t so sure about that any more.

He looks from Blaine up to Jesse on the stage, still performing like he needs that like breathing, and back again. Then he just shakes his head. “ _No_.” He doesn’t care whether that makes sense, whether it’s actually _possible_ \- he doesn’t _want_ that. He doesn’t _deserve_ that. No, he’s out. That’s a path of thinking he doesn’t even want to go. At Blaine’s slightly amused face, he repeats, “ _No_! Why are you laughing? I’m not-- _no_.”

Blaine just keeps laughing, pulling him close by the hip again. “You’re cute,” he offers before pressing a kiss against Kurt’s cheek.

Kurt, still so not into that idea, can pretty much feel his heart race in his chest. He sighs softly and just answers, “I swear, if that’s-- That’d be your fault!”

“I’ll make it up to you,” Blaine promises with a smirk and _that’s_ something he could be into.

Right now, though, he goes back to frowning at the stage. It’s already been a lot to take in that Jesse might have _outed_ himself just then; he doesn’t need any more up on his mind than that. That’s what he focuses on now, the way Jesse carries a _pan flag_ as a cape and how he moves along to his singing.

Blaine chuckles lightly into his ear and says, “Guess my next dinner date with him will happen sooner than anticipated.”

It’s no secret how nosy Kurt can be, especially not to Blaine, so he just nods enthusiastically. He’ll probably explode if he doesn’t learn soon whether _this_ has been meant sincerely or not.

 

-

 

 _If you haven’t heard of Broadway’s most recent heartthrob, you seriously must have been living under a rock. After his tremendous success as Connor Murphy in_ Dear Evan Hansen _back in 2016, the now-27-year-old Jesse St James has quickly made a name of his own (and how couldn’t he with_ that _name?). Receiving a Tony Award as the Best Featured Actor in a Musical, Jesse had retired from the main stage for a while - pleasing fans with small gigs both in musicals and concert._

 _Now, next to the news concerning his role as Phillip Carlyle in the upcoming musical based on 2017’s_ Greatest Showman _(which, like_ DEH _, features music by writer duo_ Pasek  & Paul _), he has caused positive uproar again at one of NYC’s pride-themed shows that have taken place last weekend. For those of you who have missed it, Jesse was not only seen belting out notes of_ Queen _\- something he’s been known to be great at since his  _ _early days in the theatre business_ _\- but wearing a flag  _ _showcasing the colours of pansexuality_ _as well. Now, recent  _ _sightings with television actor Sebastian Smythe_ _, best known for his role in Brett Gelato’s_ What They Did _, have led to many assumptions and rumours, but they have had yet to be addressed by either of the men._

_Follow BroadGay Magazine as we tackle the first interview following Jesse’s stunt, addressing the exact same as well as upcoming projects._

 

**Jesse, it is great to have you! First of all, can I say how wonderful you look?**

Oh, thank you! Is that something people say to theatre guy nowadays?

**With us it is. Every guy, really. Or rather: every person.**

That’s great! I really dig that, yeah. I probably should start peppering my conversations with more casual compliments.

 **It’s never ruined the mood so far, so you should** **_totally_ ** **go for that.**

Spreading love wherever I go - sounds good.

**Speaking of, that moment at Pride...**

Oh, wasn’t that just so much fun?

**Yeah, you looked like that! But I gotta say, you must have surprised quite a lot of us there.**

Did I? I thought with all the articles going on all of you must have known already. [laughs] No, I’m joking. This was certainly a coming out.

**It was?**

Totally! That was me opening my arms and telling the world ‘Hey, by the way, I’m pan!’ and the response-- It was just… heart-warming. I think I actually saw someone cry more than they do at one of my shows.

**Well, I’m speaking from experience when I say it’s always good to see someone famous claim your label. They must’ve been pretty thankful to you.**

If anything, I’m thankful to all of _them_ . If it weren’t for them— seeing how open and diverse they are, it only really gave me a perspective. I’ve heard of the term ‘pansexual’ before but it didn’t really occur to me what it _means_ until I read some tweets from people.

 **You resonated with those feelings? So you** **_have_ ** **been questioning yourself?**

I mean, yeah, obviously. It’s been on my mind since, like college, but no label really seemed to fit. And with things recently, you know… [chuckles]

**So people didn’t read too much into it? With you and Sebastian Smythe?**

Yeah, no, they didn’t.

**Really?**

Yes. Sebastian and I… we’re dating. [grins] It’s fresh and new, but of course the media already saw it.

**Oh, congratulations! How did that happen? You’re a fan of his works?**

Not really! [laughs] Believe it or not, I’m not that much of a fan of crime shows. No, we have a lot of mutual friends, weirdly enough. We could’ve met in High School already!

**That’s crazy! Why didn’t you?**

Ah, we’ve just never been around at the same time. Always missed each other by a bit. But honestly, I think we’d have killed each other back then. We’d both been jackasses.

**Wow, that’s a new side of Jesse St James! I think we all knew about Sebastian’s missteps, but yours?**

I don’t think I’ve ever fucked up majorly, but I really _was_ an asshole. I like to think I’ve changed, though.

**Well, we certainly don’t have any receipts on you. Though, of course, there’s some passionate fans mad about the end of St Berry.**

Yeah, I’ve seen that. [grimaces] But just… Rachel and me, we haven’t worked out. We both thought so. So it’s been a mutual break-up. It’s only been, like, three months, so… It’s awkward right now, but we’re amicable. I mean, we’ve been here before. [laughs]

**They’d been rooting for the revival of a High School romance.**

Probably! But it didn’t work out; that’s life. But it’s better to focus on the present and future anyways, right?

 **And what a future you have! Are you excited about opening the** **_Greatest Showman_ ** **musical?**

Totally! I mean, who’d not like to step into Zac Efron’s shoes? [laughs] No, I’m really excited for opening night. The show will be amazing, I can’t wait for the world to see how much went into it.

**No spoilers, I know, but will you be doing the ropes?**

Let’s just say, I’m lucky I didn’t break my neck yet.

**That’s one thing to celebrate among many! What about an album to summarize it all?**

[chuckles] Everyone always asks that. I should finally do it, shouldn’t I? It just doesn’t really fit in my life at the moment. There’s so many things to do right now, things I want to do perfectly - and an album would be one of those. I’d want to give it my full attention, I wouldn’t want to disappoint anyone.

**It’s so wonderful to see how respectful you are of your fans. And you’re so easy to be around to! Just like you’re one of the boys.**

It’s taken me too long to fully realize, but yeah! I _am_ just one of the boys. I’m just this guy from Ohio who was eager enough to make it. There’s many of us, you know.

**And you’re flourishing! We’re all really looking forward to what the next season brings - you probably had the best way to start it off. Coming out, a new boyfriend, a new role - a new Jesse?**

Oh, I wouldn’t say that. We’re all always evolving, aren’t we? So this is me at the moment. Who knows who I’ll be in, say, a year. But it’s exciting nonetheless.

**For us all, I dare to say. Can’t wait to see you again!**

Thanks for having me!

 

-

 

Kurt screams.

**Author's Note:**

>  **songs featured:**  
>  Queen - Don't Stop Me Now ([here's actually a performance by Jonathan Groff](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jJKmeZ2Weg))  
> Michael Bublé - Sway  
> Franz Ferdinand - Michael
> 
>  **Please leave a comment!**  
>  If you liked this, come check out my [tumblr](http://joanthangroff.tumblr.com) or talk to me on [twitter](http://twitter.com/Ll4MDUNBAR).


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